William Bedford '22
Boston College High School, Dorchester, Massachusetts

An Ode to an Anglo Saxon Boast: Man’s Greatest Feat

Worlds-candle, peering through the frosted trees, woke me. The Matriarch of Arlington's words flowed into my ears like a strong gust into a hall, rustling all in its path as it tears down a tiny corridor. My task was assigned and God gleamed over the foreboding test before me. As I emerged from the enveloping masses of comfort-threads into the open air, the morning’s frost nipped at every inch of my body. I swiftly smote the freezing night by applying my woven-layers gifted to me by The Matriarch herself.

The frost now just a memory, I forged on—foreseeing my journey into the forest like lair of the cloth-consumer. Keenly gathering the plethora of regalia, merely a mortal task, took only minutes for a man of my scintillating stature to complete. With only a single palm, I threw even my accoutrements for sailing into a receptacle. Courageously grasping the coffer containing my garments as one grasps a mass of treasure, I soon encountered the next obstacle that stood obtrusive in my path, stairs. Those wretched things extended their lips just far enough to catch my heels as I descended into the unknown. The basket between my fists obstructed my view and forced me to navigate using only my remaining senses. But I tholed; for any normal thane, the task would be nearly inconceivable, but for a master in the arts of navigation, it was an elementary contest. I pranced down the two flights without a single hirple in my stride to the lair. As I reached the last step and leapt onto the cold ground, I stopped, for I was moving at too fast a pace. This dungeon required specific steps to keep the devourer happy or else it would foil your request for the passage of vesture through it.

As a ray of light shone lambently upon me, flicked on by a finger, God granted me the wisdom to continue. Suddenly, I stepped into the cavern, the fiend creaked and croaked condemning my proximity. As the groans increased, the Almighty guided me to touch the foul beast and turn its dial-eye near the edge of his flat face. As I turned it, the monster clicked and rumbled and water spewed from his mouth: he was now ready to be fed. I mightily mangled the food to fit and tossed it with a great heave, the rainments into his salivating mouth. The monster roared in upheaval as the mass of his meal wallowed in his throat without the proper digestive aid.

Harrowed by the screeching monster, I scrambled to find the elixir before his saliva overflowed, and he spurned the clothes out of his mouth. But fate made sure that elixir was within arm's reach, and as I poured the purple sweet-smelling fluid into the depths of the cloth-monster’s throat, his anger subsided. I then slammed his lid and raced back to the comfort of my resting-cave, securing my place as a revenant. I was pleased to report to The Matriarch herself that through the aid of God, I had subdued the cloth-cleanser, and cleaned my threaded-skin.

Now, worshiped by many and loved by all, I squander the depths of this lair with haste. Frequently tearing the jaws of the devourer’s mouth open only to whip Levis and LuLu’s into the depths of its stomach. Now, not only do I de-stain my own vesture, but shine my people’s attire as well. One may believe that a man so accomplished, so gallant, and so reputable in the conquering of this chilling monster does not need to seek another trial. But I forge on; the next task that stands onerous before me is not for The Matriarch but for my own glory. As foreign a task as it may be, a man so adept is well worthy of conquering it. College.